My Strange Cousin
by KeepingUpDisappearances
Summary: 'Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone' from Dudley's point of view. Timeline is from Dudley's birthday through Harry boarding Hogwart's Express. I altered the original story so Dudley is with Vernon at King's Cross. I've written the narration of PS from Dudley's point of view, but most of the dialog is from the book. Everything belongs to our wonderful Jo! (J.K. Rowling).
1. Dudley Dursley's Birthday

Dudley Dursley stretched his plump arms, yawned, and started to settle in his enormous bed once more when he remembered that today was his birthday. He managed to heave himself out of bed and then waddled out the door and down the stairs. He could already smell bacon and eggs frying, and he heard his mother saying, "Don't burn the bacon. I don't want anything to spoil my precious Duddleykin's day."

"I'm not Duddleykins," Dudley muttered to himself, walking into the kitchen. His tall, skinny, long-necked mother was near the stove, supervising a lanky boy with messy black hair and crooked glasses.

The boy, who was about Dudley's age, turned and greeted Dudley, not out of courtesy, but because it was required. "Morning, Dudley. Happy birthday."

"Don't sound so sullen, Harry," a cranky voice said. At the nearby table, a very large man was giving Harry a disapproving look—though that was far from unusual. He always gave Harry a disapproving look.

"Sorry, Uncle Vernon," Harry muttered.

"Is that bacon done yet?" the tall woman said, looking at Harry as if he was some lower class servant.

"Yes, Aunt Petunia," Harry said dutifully.

The family—in the strictest definition of the word—headed toward the table. Harry had to serve the others before he could eat anything. Dudley was counting his presents as Harry heaped a large amount of bacon and eggs onto Dudley's plate.

"Thirty-six," Dudley counted. "That's two less than last year."

"Darling, haven't counted Aunt Margie's present," Aunt Petunia attempted to placate her son.

"Thirty-seven then," Dudley said crossly. He felt himself turning red. It wasn't fair! It was his twelfth birthday, and he'd only gotten thirty-six gifts! Dudley decided to throw a tantrum, even if it was childish.

"And we'll buy you another _two_ presents while we're out today!" Mrs. Dursley said hastily, seeing her a growing scowl on her son's face. "How's that, Popkin? Two more presents. Is that all right?"

Dudley struggled to figure out how many presents he'd have then, but his mother answered for him. Thirty-nine presents—well, _that_ was fair! He smirked at his cousin, who had been watching the whole scene.

Harry had never gotten any presents, not that Dudley cared. His cousin was just so_ strange_. Queer things happened to Harry (and sometimes people Harry knew). Dudley's mother and father always seemed to be nervous when talking about Harry, and even Dudley could figure out that there was some secret involved.

Just then, Mrs. Dursley got a call from Mrs. Figg, a batty old neighbor. To Dudley's horror, his mother announced that Mrs. Figg could not watch Harry. Dudley was dismayed. His parents had planned an outing to the zoo with Dudley's best friend Piers Polkiss. He didn't want his weird cousin coming along with them!

Dudley waited nervously. Perhaps Aunt Petunia's friend Yvonne could watch Harry.

Dudley's father had asked the same question, but Mrs. Dursley frowned and shook her head. "She's on vacation."

"What about Marge?" Mr. Dudley prodded. Marge was Vernon's sister.

"She hates the boy," Petunia said, right in front of Harry. Dudley paled. His parents couldn't _possibly_ allow Harry to come along! He pretended to cry, demanding that Harry stay behind. Mrs. Dursley tried to placate her son, but there was nothing she could do. Her husband was afraid that Harry would blow up the house, so Harry had to come along.

The doorbell rang, announcing the arrival of Piers. Dudley stopped pretending to cry, but he shot Harry a venomous look. Harry did not seem fazed.

For the first time in his life, Dudley wasn't getting his way. He relieved his anger by tripping Harry, taking turns with Piers

. After five minutes of Harry-tripping, Uncle Vernon escorted everyone outside, muttering some warning to Harry.

"What's up with your weird cousin?" Piers asked. "Your parents seem almost afraid of him."

"He's not quite right in the head," Dudley said, pretending that he knew everything about his parents' aversion to Harry. "I told them that Harry should go to an asylum, but they don't listen."


	2. A Series of Unfortunate Events

By lunchtime, Dudley and Piers had grown tired of looking at the animals at the zoo, and Dudley was ready for lunch. He ordered a huge knickerbocker glory, which he consumed in the same manner that a killer whale swallows a baby seal.

"Let's go to the reptile house," Dudley demanded as soon as he had finished, and Vernon, Petunia, Dudley, Piers and Harry made their way into the dark building, where lizards crawled and snakes slithered. Harry was reading the informative placards next to the habitats with interest, but Dudley idly walked from one reptile to the next. What he _really_ wanted to see was the biggest snake in the building, a stunningly enormous boa constrictor.

When Dudley got to the boa's habitat, the huge animal was fast asleep. Dudley wondered why the zookeepers were letting it sleep. His father had paid good money for tickets to the zoo and the biggest attraction was asleep.

"Make it do something!" Dudley demanded. His father obeyed instantly, rapping loudly on the glass. The snake didn't even move its head. Vernon moved on, but Dudley kept looking at the snake, as if staring at it would make it move.

"Come on, Dudley," Piers said. "Maybe it's been drugged or something."

Dudley headed after his father, who was looking at a cobra that was flicking its tongue and spreading its hood. Dudley sighed. A cobra wasn't as exciting as a boa constrictor, but at least it was moving.

"DUDLEY! MR. DURSLEY! COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE! YOU WON'T _BELIEVE_ WHAT IT'S DOING!"

Dudley jumped. Piers was bellowing at the top of his lungs; turning around, Dudley saw that his friend was still looking at the boa constrictor—and so was Harry. Dudley rushed (as well as he could) to the habitat. He got there just in time to see the snake _wink_ at Harry. Wait…snakes don't wink…do they?

Dudley went to rap on the glass, but his hand only hit air.

The glass had vanished.

**xXx**

After the uproar had calmed down, Mr. Dursley hustled everyone out of the reptile house, out of the zoo, and into the car. He was still jabbering, and Mrs. Dursley was still pale, despite the tea that the head of the reptile house had given her.

Piers looked maliciously at Harry and said aloud, "Harry was talking to it, weren't you, Harry?" Dudley grinned. Harry shrank back, for Mr. Dursley was turning a brilliant shade of purple.

**xXx**

"Finally out of detention, Harry?" Dudley sneered at his cousin. Harry didn't answer him or even take notice, which annoyed Dudley very much. If Harry so much as spoke angrily to his cousin, Dudley could go running to Vernon or Petunia to tell them that Harry was "being mean". Then Harry would get in trouble. Dudley liked seeing Harry get into trouble, which was why he was disappointed that Harry now was able to roam the house again, after being kept in his cupboard for months after the snake incident.

The incident of the vanishing glass had been so confounding and bizarre that the Dursleys had made themselves believe the most logical explanation that they could come up with—that it had been an elaborate trick by the zookeepers—the glass panel had been retracted via mechanics, as a sort of joke on the visitors. It was a careless joke, though. The dangerous snake had escaped. Yes, that was what had happened. Glass didn't just vanish into thin air.

Dudley pursued Harry, waving a letter in his face. "I got admitted to Smeltings," he said smugly. "You're only going to Stonewall High. They stuff people's heads in the toilets at Stonewall. Did you want to practice?"

"No, thanks," Harry said "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it—it might be sick."

Then he rushed off, leaving Dudley very confused. Whatever did Harry mean? Had Harry just insulted him? Yes, he had! Dudley thought about running to report this to his parents, but he was upstairs and they were downstairs, and that wasn't worth the effort. But the next time his git of a cousin said anything…

The next morning, Dudley tried on his new Smeltings Private School uniform, to his parents' pride and delight. He enjoyed the attention, but was aware that Harry, hanging in the background, was watching the scene trying not to laugh. Oh well, Harry was just jealous because Dudley had been accepted into Vernon's old private school and he hadn't.

"Get the mail, Harry," Mr. Dursley was saying. When Harry refused, Dudley tried to whack him with his Smelting's stick, but Harry dodged out of the way. The latter quickly returned, carrying the mail, and, in his other hand-clutching a small ivory envelope.

"Harry's got something!" Dudley shouted, laughing in delight when Harry turned pale; Mr. Dursley tore the envelope from his nephew's hand and glanced at the envelope. Without further ado, ripped open the envelope and took out the letter. A moment later, he turned red.

Everything after that was a blur; Mr. Dursley was showing the letter to his wife, who paled in shock; Harry and Dudley fought to see the letter, and, somehow, Harry had been given Dudley's second room.

What happened within the next week confused everyone, especially Dudley. The letters had just kept coming—via _owl_, through the mail slot, down the chimney—until at last Mr. Dursley had hustled everyone into the car. He drove miles to a remote, dingy motel. Even Dudley didn't dare to ask what his father was trying to do.

The letters had even come to the motel, and before Dudley's small mind could process it, he, his parents, and his awful cousin were sitting in a damp shack on a tall rock, high above the ocean.

"I want to go back to watch television!"

"I'm hungry!"

"Just leave Harry here, then we can go home without being bothered!"

None of Dudley's whining seemed to have any effect on his father except to make him angrier. So, after a miserable 'meal' of tinned tomatoes and crisps, Dudley fell asleep under a moldy blanket.

_BOOM!_

Dudley was jolted out of sleep as if dynamite had exploded under him.

"Where's the cannon?" he yelled.

There was another crashing sound, the door fell in, and a huge form was standing in the doorway, looking like a shadow against the gloomy ocean fog.


	3. A Giant Problem

To Dudley's horror, a giant stomped into the shack; he could squeeze through the doorway. Dudley's parents were backing up, though Vernon tried to put on a brave expression. It wasn't very convincing. Mr. Dursley then remembered that he'd brought a gun, and pointed it squarely at the giant. Dudley gave his father an admiring glance.

"Ah, shut up, Dursley, you great prune," the giant was said to Mr. Dursley. He snatched the gun and bent it in half as easily as Dudley could bend a paper clip. Dudley whimpered and shrank back, but the giant turned to an astonished Harry.

"Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby. You look a lot like your dad, but you've got your mum's eyes."

Dudley and Harry stared, but the giant did not speak for a moment; instead, he somehow got a fire blazing in the fireplace, began to cook some sausages, and handed a cake to Harry. Apparently it was Harry's birthday. The sausages began to crackle; they smelled delicious, but Mr. Dursley held his son still.

"Don't touch anything he gives you, Dudley."

The giant laughed. "Your puddin' of a son don' need fattenin'."

Dudley squeaked in rage and Aunt Petunia looked as if she would have reproved the giant—if he hadn't been, well, giant.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who you are," Harry was saying.

"Call me Hagrid. I'm Keeper of the Keys at Hogwarts. You know all about Hogwarts…"

Dudley was confused. Hogwarts? What was Hogwarts? All of the strange things that had been happening lately were making Dudley's brain hurt. It wasn't normal, and Dudley liked normal, thank you very much.

"I don't," Harry replied to Hagrid…or was that Haggard? Or Haggis?

Then things started happening very fast, and Hagrid—yes, that was the name, a very stupid name indeed—and Mr. Dursley got into an argument. Dudley frequently looked at his mother. During all of this, she'd had the oddest expression on her face. When Hagrid announced that Harry was a wizard, she looked ready to collapse.

From what Dudley could gather, his Aunt Lily—his mother's sister—and Uncle James, both of whom he'd never met, since they'd died when he was a baby—had been witch had wizard, had gone to a magical school (that was Hogwarts), graduated and fought evil wizards. In the end, according to Hagrid, they were killed by a wizard called Voldemort. This had happened when Harry was a baby, too. Voldemort had tried to kill Harry, but it didn't work, for some.

"I'm not paying for some crackpot old fool to teach him magic tricks!" Mr. Dursley suddenly roared, just as Dudley's brain had finished processing the last conversation. Dudley quavered, for the giant looked very angry and, for some reason, was clutching a pink umbrella in a threatening manner.

"NEVER—INSULT—ALBUS—DUMBLEDORE—IN—FRONT—OF—ME!" Hagrid bellowed; he waved the umbrella, pointed it at Dudley. Dudley suddenly felt a sharp pain in his behind, as if he'd been stung. Aunt Petunia shrieked, Harry choked back a laugh, and Dudley gingerly felt his bottom.

He had a curly pig's tail! Dudley wanted to run away, but there was nowhere to run. His parents were almost in hysterics.

Hagrid apologized for his temper. "I meant to turn him into a pig, but he's so much like a pig already, there wasn' much left to do."

Mr. Dursley dragged Petunia and Dudley into the next room. Dudley thought, but didn't say, that that was stupid. A flimsy door couldn't stop a giant, especially a giant who could use magic.

Dudley listened at the door as Hagrid explained to Harry about supplies he needed for his classes at Hogwarts. Dudley grinned. If he hadn't been so afraid of the giant, he would've gone in and taunted Harry. Vernon Dursley had said that he wouldn't pay for Harry's magic school.

Dudley felt silly just thinking about magic schools and giants and spells—and the durned pig's tail. His parents were right to have not told Harry he was a wizard. Then it dawned on him that _that_ was why the glass had vanished in the boa constrictor's habitat. Dudley was frightened—now that his cousin knew he was a wizard, life at Privet Drive could be dangerous. He now hoped that Harry could get to the magic school, so that the house would be Harry-free. Perhaps there were wizard scholarships. He hoped so.


	4. Farewell, Cousin

Something stirred Dudley from his sleep—perhaps because the ocean was calm and there was only quietness now; he sat up and tried to gather his wits, but he could barely open his eyes,

Dudley had had the strangest dream—at least he thought it was a dream—that his batty cousin had been told by a giant that there was a school for magic, and Harry was going. Oh, and that the giant had given him a pig's tail...Dudley shuddered and stood up. The dream had felt very real, so real that he patted his behind.

There _was_ a pig's tail.

Dudley was suddenly aware of his father standing close by, a note clenched in his fat hand.

"Harry and that nasty oaf are gone," Mr. Dursley said. He read the note aloud to his wife and son.

_Mr. and Mrs. Dursley-  
Taking Harry to get his things, will bring him back to the station-meet him there. Apologies about the pig tail. Go to St. Sebastian's Hospital and ask for Dr. Grimm-he has been dispatched from the Ministry of Magic, is posing as the real Dr. Grimm (it would take a long time to explain) and he will remove Dudley's tail. Appointment is 9:00 am next Thursday-the day that Harry needs to go to King's Cross. Don't make any trouble for him._

_-Rubeus Hagrid_

"Well that's nice," Vernon said sarcastically. To Dudley he only said, "At least you'll get that—that tail of yours removed. Well, we'd better head home."

The boat was moored at the shore again, and the three Dursleys crowded into it and headed for shore.

For the next few days, Dudley could felt as nervous as any of the children he liked to beat up. What would his queer cousin do, now that he knew was a...wizard?

When Piers asked if "that weird cousin of yours has gone to an asylum yet," Dudley quivered; his mind worked as fast as it could, trying to think of what to say to Piers.

"Yes," Dudley said as convincingly as he could.

"Where?" Piers demanded.

"My parents don't want me saying it—they hate hearing it mentioned."

At last came the day for Harry to leave for the magic school. Dudley didn't dare call it by its official name, but he didn't care. Hogwarts was a stupid name for a school, anyway.

It was also the day that Dudley's tail would be removed. Dudley felt sick inside when he remembered that a wizard would do it. Suppose something went wrong?

**xXx**

"Have a good term," Mr. Dursley sneered. Dudley laughed scornfully. He, his father, and Harry were at King's Cross Station, and Harry was supposed to go to 'Platform 9 and 3/4' to get to the Hogwarts train. Dudley had come for just that—to see his cousin make a fool of himself. Having his wish granted, Dudley walked away with Mr. Dursley.

"Don't hurry back!" Dudley said cheerfully. "Be sure to write! Enjoy your magic school—I mean, your train station!"

Dudley's cheerful mood disappeared, however, when he and Uncle Vernon got to the operations department of the hospital. Mr. Dursley asked for Dr. Grimm, and a tall, gray-haired man in ordinary scrubs. He didn't look like a wizard—until he was in the operating room with Dudley and Mr. Dursley.

"This'll be a bit tricky," the wizard said in a raspy voice. "Partial transformations are actually harder to change than complete transformations. Now, this may hurt, Master Dursley, but be patient, it won't last but a minute."

Dudley whimpered, but was sensible enough to stand still.

Dr. Grimm pulled something out a pocket on his scrubs—a long, polished, wooden stick, the color of white pine. A magic wand. Dudley stared.

Dr. Grimm swished his magic wand and then pointed it at Dudley's tail.

"_A__ufero __C__auda_*!"

There was a sharp blast of pain, which stopped in exactly one minute. Dr. Grimm looked seriously at both Mr. Dursley and Dudley.

"Tell no one about this," he said severely. "And give Harry my regards."

"Trust me, I won't go telling anyone about this freaky magic," Mr. Dursley snarled. "Dudley won't, either."

Dudley and Mr. Dursley left the hospital. Mr. Dursley drove home slowly, allowing Dudley to reflect on what had happened over the last few days.

"I hope Harry gets turned into a pig," he muttered.

* "Remove tail!"


End file.
